Mercury
feminine archetypes I feel connected to; the queen, mother, maiden, sage, huntress, mystic and the Lover
The Messenger planet of communications
This Venus retrograde got hands, am I right?
I do have to applaud my attachment style for some things. I felt like having avoidant attachment wasn’t too bad, except when I remembered it made all my relationships and intimacy feel scary even when they were safe. It made saying farewell easy because I was afraid to show how much they meant to me in the first place, I’d rather mourn alone(Aries moon). I notice tomfoolery a lot sooner than anyone I know so I’ll leave. I have a lot of experience with people and although I have I hardly ever need to be told twice to leave someone or something alone(absent father).
Maiden Harvest
Collage created by me and memes acquired through internet perusing(if you know who made them please share) and author photos from their websites and original photos by me Fatima S.
I’ve said bye a lot in my life. It started at 3 and it hasn’t stopped since. They’re sad but sweet “I’m grateful for the time we had together but now the beauty will end” and transform into something new. I’ve only recently begun saying goodbye for now a lot more though. It’s a lot harder to say bye when its the end of their journey and yours must continue.
I feel stuck in the moments right before. I wish I had another moment, “what if I answered that last call?” but “If I’m so used to saying goodbye, how come I get so sad every time I remember I can’t say it to you anymore?”
I just have a lot of feelings…
I try to see the stages of grief as spirals. I try my best to avoid shaming myself for being sensitive. The question that’s helped me with that is, what am I sensitive to?
I’m sensitive to the pain of others, to the love of another, to the experiences that could shape a person or that someone’s life experiences could’ve taken them from who they want to be.
I love walking this earth, thats why I walk so lightly I thought my steps wouldn’t leave an impression. I didn’t want to mar the surface with my pain but the earth has been holding my pain before I was aware of it.
DtMF ~Album Review~
The amount of dancing and crying that I’ve done to this album. I’ll have to write about why my tears flow so freely when DtMF plays another time but Bad Bunny I guess I’ll have to forgive you for that Kendall girl now.
Take so many photos though and without shame. I don’t know where my photos with my father went.
The Fire This Time(~Book review~)
I can’t believe this is the first book by James Baldwin that I’ve read. I’m grateful that it was but I do admit that I had an affinity for James before I read any of his books. My mother actually gifted me a paperback of Go Tell It On The Mountain. I haven’t read it even though its on my shelf and has moved two cities so far, gifts from her are complicated.
I am incredibly motivated to read more after finishing The Fire Next Time. His writing is incredible, the way he was able help me accept my past while reading about him moving on from his on was powerful. It was interesting learning about his understanding of whiteness and how it wasn’t a preclusion from the new world that needs to be built without capitalism.
The history of tyranny that their ancestors have perpetuated has separated some of them from their humanity and reality which has caused them to find meaning in Capitalism and feel repulsion of love. Capitalism after all has taken away the true meaning of love and has occulted its expression from us by design. Love once felt, becomes more important than identity or safety, a force this powerful can’t compete with a system that is hollow and at the same time cancerous.
Also learning that millionaires supported both Nazi and NOI during his time. I can’t say it doesn’t seem the same nowadays. The imagery of hustlers within their communities and placaters for the state felt resonant because if a religion pushes others from themselves and each other I say, let it go so that something beautiful may be built in its place.
Realizing that we, the American society has become “the man with nothing to lose” was sobering but I did not finish this book with feelings of hopelessness. I felt honored to read and realized both our connection to love. The ultimate connector, the further back you pull, the easier to see all the threads. I too can be revolutionarily loving.
Real Housewives of SLC
There’s no right way to write my newsletter as I try to find a way to transition into that I binge watched the girls in my grief and I have some notes.
Character Ratings
Whitney 8/10 cousin
Angie 8/10 Greek freak
Heather 7/10 other cousin
Mary 0/10 self hate(?)
Browyn 0/10 bworn browwen brown wtf is her name??
Lisa -3/10 Besos party
Meredith -10/10 can’t open her mouth
Brittani 6/10
Meli ?/10
How does white America move forward? There is no one right answer, there’s no one right way forward but of course you knew that. I just try my best everyday to do the next right thing.
Be more like Whitney, Trixie (and Katya I know she wasn’t even there). Also I believe that if you’re friends with someone you should be able to bring a scroll with your grievances to their home. We cannot be conflict avoidant if we want true love.
Be less like that muffler faced mushmouthed zionist.
Uptown Girls (wherein I cry obscenely intermittently for 90 minutes~)
Not having a mom sucks. I don’t believe it’s worse because she’s still alive, I think it’s terrible realizing that I mothered her. I think movies like this will always bring me comfort because Molly gets to save baby Molly and Ray gets to be a little girl in the end.
For those who haven’t seen it, Molly loses her rockstar parents in a tragic crash at the age of 8 which leaves her stuck mentally but financially okay…until someone runs off with her money so she has to become a nanny. A well paid nanny because of her connections within the music industry but she still has to become an adult. In the film adulthood somehow begins at 22? I couldn’t rent a car let alone an apartment back then but this is a movie.
Molly is a hopeless romantic and an incredible costume designer but doesn’t realize she’s pouring all her love on to someone who doesn’t see it, don’t worry it ends well for the both of them. This isn’t a romantic comedy though some might want to view it that way, this is a coming of age story. Ray has lost her father, a man that lives there but she has no access to and a mother who views her as exceptional because “she’s taking this all so well”, the lovely little Ray isn’t the person coming of age. Through the relationship between Molly and Ray we see the two of them fall. The love and vulnerabilities bringing them both into this moment, pulling Ray away from all the fears of her future and Molly into the beauty which is her presence.
Brittany Murphy felt especially hard to watch this time though, as a millennial bap of course I love her and her work but knowing that she’ll forever be the age I’ll be this birthday.