February is a weird month. I have three death anniversaries within the first week and then the rest of the month, the US pumps deeply uncomfortable ads onto any screen it seems. This February I became both debt-free and a member of the dead grandparents club. It’s a short month but it feels like it takes up a lot of space in my life.
I start grad school in August and one of the things I want to study is women/femme-kept libraries. Maybe I want to be a cultural librarian, maybe I just want to be able to tear down haters harder with facts or maybe it’s my Pluto in Scorpio in my 11th house. I don’t worship the written world after all.
I’m listening to Lilith, I’m at the point where she begins to go by Hannah.
The name Hannah has a special place in my heart, my first Quran teacher was Hanna Ghamal, she was an older Egyptian lady with a beautiful recitation voice and had her own Hifz school for women. I don’t remember the year she passed on but I don’t think I want to. She was so impressive to me and I lied to her, she asked me what happens when my parents are unhappy with me and I couldn’t tell her the truth. I was a kid, so I try not to guilt myself about it but she was such a lovely person I can’t help but wonder what would’ve been different if I had been honest.
She introduced me to another Hannah or at least I was introduced to another Hannah by being in her class. This Hannah was so glamorous to me, she’s still pretty glamorous but we weren’t really friends because of the age difference(I think I was at least 7 years her junior) so I don’t talk to her nowadays. She was homeschooled like I was but she had a social life that I thought was amazing. She played sports(soccer in hijab), went to older girl parties and her mom let her wear a regular bathing suit.
Side note: why did some of our moms not allow us to wear bathing suits around other girls? Is my mom gay?
I wasn’t actually allowed to be her friend so that probably another reason our friendship didn’t happen but I was inspired. I don’t remember how many brothers she had but she was the only girl and somehow was able to do so much. I wanted to be that way one day. I feel that I’m getting there no matter how unsteady my steps have been lately.
Just like any unearthing, there’s going to be a rushing of rambles? February feels like dreaming big and at the same time it feels like there is no perfect choice. It feels petty but purifying. It feels energizing but resistant. It feels like amethyst or the color purple at least, like grief. It feels like fire illuminating shadows. A(aron) burning bush(nell).
2/6/17
2/9/24
2/9/25
I have these dates and their birthdates memorized at least. It’s been hard finding documents for my paternal grandparents. I wish I knew their ages besides...old. I know my grandmother passed in 2016 and I believe my grandfather followed her shortly after in 2018. I met him at least enough to recognize him in my grumpy cat neighbor. I wish I wrote more in February, I’ll try next February or I’ll just try giving myself grace. I simply know that because I could have been anyone, I must try my best to love everyone and that includes me.