A tendency towards the lonelies

for the people who tend to feel a little lonely

I have a tendency towards loneliness. I think that I became aware of this feeling and its name when I was 10 years old. At 31, I feel myself expanded into all the emptiness. Why was I so empty before? I didn’t have the space to exist in my relationships for most of my life.

My mom was often on the search for love from men who weren’t very fond of my existence. I was an addition that they didn’t account for and neither of her husbands after my dad did anything to hide it. There’s a list of faux fathers so I’ll just give a short introduction for each, the cast of characters I’ll say.

Devon was before I was born and gave me my older brothers. My two longest loves besides my mother. He’s a man of many…hobbies. He may be living on a boat now.

Lynn was more like a blip than an actual person. A small mark on my conscious that gave me my first little sister who doesn’t even have his face and I can’t call his face to memory now.

Asim on the other hand. We met when I was 6 and we left when I was 16. He came in with the purpose of taking over, from my clothes to my thoughts, there was nothing outside of his domain of control. My mother loved being controlled and belittled as it was something she felt at home in, something that felt comfortable for her. It was the only thing I knew but apart of me always felt it didn’t have to be that way.

My mom was often lost in her own history and emotionally absent but didn’t abuse me before meeting Asim. It felt so safe with just the three of us in our home, my mother, my younger sister and I. I could pat my mother and tell her she’s going to be okay on the days where her eyes weren’t looking at me and take care of my little baby.

When Asim began the abuse, I hid it from my mother but as an adult I wonder how well the hiding was done compared to the person who was seeking. I knew it was wrong but I didn’t think my mother was strong enough to handle it and I knew she had just found love again so I didn’t want her to lose it(I wasn’t an adult so lets not think about the logic) I’m finally choosing to see. I’m finally choosing to see and it hurts. It hurts to see how much of myself I killed off to survive.

I feel like I’m born again but I’m the one in labor. My body is so tired but I feel so accomplished. I am alone with myself and I don’t know what I want anymore.

I feel happy knowing I don’t need to.

I love you , I’m so glad I got to go back and save little Fatima.